I remember going through a time of utter emotional turmoil once. It was a horrible time. My guess is that every one of us goes through a soul wrenching point in our lives where nothing really makes sense. Some people go through it when they are younger. Others when they are older. Some people experience it for much too long. While some are lucky or blessed enough to gather strength to rise above it. During this time, there were too many questions racing through my mind and never enough answers, and the times when I did get answers, they were never good enough. My situation was difficult because I didn’t understand a lot of things that concerned me; I didn’t understand myself anymore, my thoughts, my actions, my attitude. I wished I could get a break from everything. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. The world slowly became a much darker and more twisted place to live in. I didn’t trust anyone and I bottled up far too much hurt. Even when I thought I had found a firm footing for myself, it didn’t take long before I realised that I was still stuck in that same dark place.
I guess we can all conclude that I was seriously “emo”. <shrug!!>
During that time, I wrote a little something that expressed just a few of the thoughts that had been running through my mind at the time.
(A friend of mine helped me get a title; I’m hopeless when it comes to titles)
Children of Eve
I am no child.
The scales that blinded me from the reality of this harsh, cold, cruel world fell a long time ago.
And this I know this is certain;
We are all torn; the whole lot of us. The world has become a hub of mourning and groaning
We are all dark; our souls, our spirits are tainted with misdeeds
Our very thoughts rotten
Our minds tarnished
Always looking for greatness to turn us from our ugly ways or even for just a moment help us forget our darkness, our weakness.
We all have secrets; misguided concepts without forewarned consequences.
Haunted by truth banging on the doors of our hearts; trying to come out.
Words lingering on our tongues, hoping to be spoken
our spirits yearn to release the burning within.
We are all monsters, using the beauty of the world to counter our beastliness through art, love, music; to hide from our true nature.
We surround ourselves with so much light and colour so that we may get lost in it; hoping it can devour our ugliness.
We are all animals; selfish, territorial, savage
We want to dominate, we want to thrive; so much that we trample over others, feed off many, destroy our own.
We nurture storms that brew between our own kind and watch from the sidelines as they destroy each other, waiting for the time when we can rise above their ashes.
We are all cruel. We are all torn.
But as I look back, I realise that I have risen above all this. Yes, we are torn. But our Father in Heaven wishes so much to put us back together. I’m sure it breaks His heart to watch us struggle on our own. Like a rugged doll with no more reason to smile, my Lord fixed me. I rose my own ashes to a point of beauty. Now I have this peace that even I can’t explain in words.
John 14:27 (NLT), “I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”
Oh yeah!! I’m moving and grooving!! (That’s how that verse makes me feel.)
Even at the worst times, I still feel warmth in my heart that I know for certain CAN NOT fade. It’s beautiful and I love it.
May the same amazing peace of God that blows me away each time I feel close to Him be with all of you!! 🙂