Monthly Archives: April 2014

Chasing dreams

Shaky hands, twitching fingers, mild scares and sleepless nights. My heart keeps beating a tad bit too fast for me. My anxiety may one day be the end of me (the more alive and creative version of myself and turn me into a zombie) It will cause my heart to gain a pace and beat that it can not handle and collapse within itself. It will render my mind useless and cause the rest of my body to quickly follow. Then the light in my eyes will go out.

What is it about approaching deadlines that makes me think less about myself and causes me to rethink decisions I made ages ago? Causes me to redo everything; words and phrases that I laboured to put down and breathe some life into. What is it that makes me want to hide out in a cave and not emerge, not even for sunlight until five minutes after the deadline? (with the work somehow magically submitted by a clearer headed version of myself, I suppose) What is it that makes me want to pull out my hair? Makes me scratch my skin even when it does not itch? Makes me want to run away, so far away, not from my work but from myself?

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At my father’s gate

My father found me. He caught me. He found me in the arms of a young man right outside his gate. He found me. He caught me; his unmarried presumably innocent daughter in the arms of a young man right outside his gate.

I am in love, you see and I cannot be convinced otherwise. Everything within me jumps with elation when I think of him, when I dream of him, when I see him, when I speak to him.

He came to me. My love came to me; to my father’s house and waited right outside the gate. He called me saying, “I’m outside! Please, come out!” He didn’t have to say it twice. He didn’t even have to say please. Thank the heavens, I had just had a shower. “He will love the sweet scent of my skin,” I thought to myself as I happily hurried out of the house and to him, my love who waited right outside my father’s gate.

We often sat in his car whenever he dropped by to see me. Not today. I found him standing in the driveway. He seemed quite distraught. On acknowledging my presence, he walked to me silently, majestically and hugged me and held me. An embrace so tight one would think I’d fly away. I would never, not without him. Continue reading

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