Monthly Archives: September 2015

How not to “put out”

This post is mainly for the ladies. But just about anyone can read it. I don’t discriminate here, everyone is welcome. It’s the internet not my house so…you can share this with whomever you would like. Even with your cat if you feel the need to. It just might be the kind of article that your cat needs to read considering all those kittens you’ve had to take care this past year alone.

Kudos if your cat can read. Just so you know that sly little thing taught itself how to read while you slept so watch your back.

I assume we all know what “putting out” is. If you do not  “putting out” please refer to the Urban Dictionary here.

moocneri

Let’s dive right into this “ish”

Disclaimer

This article is not meant to be taken too seriously.

ugugI’m not proud of myself for letting the image above stay in this post, but hey, Fat Schmidt kind of summarising a bit of what we are taking about here. Hope it doesn’t offend anyone. If it does, then stare at this instead even though it has nothing to do with anything.

viu

Oh, you don’t like cats?! Okay, moving on.

Second disclaimer

If you do take this article seriously, then well and good…but…I’ll give you one of those reminders that is often pinned up in public parking spaces; “…at your own risk!!”. If you do decide not to take this article seriously, then well and good, I will say something else that probably does not apply to anything that’s in this article, “Life is like a box of chocolates”. That said…

Women’s sexuality is a much talked about topic, through different mediums all over the world, but one of the most talked about aspects of this topic, that I’ve noticed at least, is this: once the top has been taken off, how do you put it back on? Or in other words, how do you not put out?

For ladies that have already popped the cherry and wish to limit their action, I believe that there are ways to achieve this. Here are a few tips that I gathered over time from movies, books and conversations with other young ladies.

(1) Tell your inner goddess to take a chill pill.

We know that if many of us decided to go crazy, we would probably do stuff that could make Aphrodite herself blush, but relax. Seriously relax. Your inner goddess already knows that Sasha Fierce “ain’t got nothin’ on ya”. (I hope I haven’t offended any Beyonce fans…*laughs*…).

iulguiNO!!! NO!!! NO, NO, NO!!! None of that. No need for any of that. Your inner goddess knows that you’re amazing and you know that you’re amazing. There’s no need to prove anything. The world won’t end if you hold it in; the sun will still shine and the rain will still fall and if aliens want to invade Earth they surely will – your having an orgasm will not create some kind of planet-encompassing electromagnetic radio waves that render alien technology useless when they try to penetrate (pun fully intended) the earth’s hemisphere . So just tell your inner goddess to relax.Even if she starts to whisper in your ear things like…

hvjbjuSay, “No, what’s wrong with you?! HAVE A GLASS OF WATER YOU, PERVERT!!!” Are we shouting? Yes, we’re shouting because your inner goddess has to hear this loud and clear. Why?! Because she can’t have everything that she wants, especially when you’re the one who has to deal with the repercussions of your actions while she is taking the day off fanning herself or having a nap.

Your inner goddess might even try to emotionally threaten you by whispering things like…

iugkuygTell her to chill, to just chill and wait until the time is right so you can properly unleash the dragon and make the earth shake.

(2) Paraffin

In high school, during lunch, we always noticed the strangest thing; every once in a while, we would  smell a hint of paraffin in our food. Soon, it became common knowledge that it was actually added to our food for one very interesting purpose; to reduce our libido. Or so we were told. And it made sense. No one wants a rowdy bunch of girls roaming around in a boarding school, confined with no access to the outside world – Could you imagine the chaos once the scent of teenage boys passing wafted up the hill on which the school sat? It would be like….

iulguOr worse it would be like zombies after 48 hours without their favourite serving of brains. Things would get a little out of control and no administration ever wants to have to deal with that. So, if things get bad, how about you try putting a little bit of paraffin into your food? Just don’t end up poisoning yourself.

(3) Say ‘NO’ to sexy underwear.

Don’t wear sexy underwear when you’re going out on date or to “hang-out” with someone you have a gigantic crush on. In fact, don’t wear sexy underwear at all if the situation is bad. This I learnt from the movie “Think like a Man” but it’s something most women do without even knowing it…myself included. I don’t know about the rest of you but when I wear my sexiest, cutest, “pow wow”, “mama got it, habba habba” underwear, it doesn’t even matter what outfit I’ve got on. Whether it’s a sultry little red number or a sack made out of bamboo or bubbles – all I know is what I looked like when I stared at my scantily-clad self in the morning; I know Aphrodite was like “Damn girl!”. If she had her way I’d throw some heels on and leave the house with nothing else, not even the sack. Your inner goddess wants that stud muffin you have a crush on to see how good you look. Sexy underwear makes every woman feel super human. It’s like having a batman suit and the large “S” on your chest while Stan Lee’s hot on your heels trying to throw you some more super powers, all at the same time (Hey, Stan!! Love you too, DC). So ingest that kryptonite and take the suit off (even though without it you’re still a ninja), smack Stan in the face…gently…and wear something ugly in terrible colours that aren’t easily discernible:  puke green, yucky yellow, something awful like that. There is no way you’ll want to  spend an extra second looking at yourself in that piece, and you certainly won’t want anyone else looking at you. Problem solved.

(4) Give yourself some TLC.

A friend of mine said that the best thing any woman can do is keep her legs closed and not put out until she’s sure that she’s found the right guy, one who sees her as his Queen and not just a prize after a chase (Unless of course, you’re just trying to get your groove on, then do you). And what advice did she give to achieving this lock down? When you know that you have this HUUUGE crush on this guy, before you think of going to see him, say for a date, do something to calm the tension…to give yourself pleasure…calm that itch…kill the fire…remind yourself that you can do bad all by yourself, make your inner goddess happy and then tell her to go on a vacation, lie about having so much work you need to get out of the way. I don’t know how many other ways I can put this “subtly” without out-rightly saying what I’m trying to say. For more clarity read Kye’s post 25 to life and go to the point she made in the twentieth paragraph. I also happened to see this in the t.v. series “GIRLS” when Hannah was just about to go on a date. I guess it doesn’t matter how you get fulfilled; hands, machines, a perfectly typed out text with no shorthand like the ridiculous use of “dia” instead of “dear” (that is only one letter longer than the so called short form) and with the proper use of words “were” “we’re” “its” “it’s” or watching intense sports where men with glistening muscles run around. Whatever your jam is, find it because based on this advice from my friend, Kye, and Hannah Horvath from GIRLS, you need it. And Idris Elba will be like, “What is this woman? Is she a god? I’m James Bond!! How is she not shaken?! How is she still dressed?!” And you’ll be smiling because you’re not jittery or tingly, and you’re certainly not stirred. You may feel the urge to jump on Idris and rip his shirt off but the urge won’t burn and kill you, because you already killed it. Problem solved.

(5) Stay busy.

Stay very very busy. Why should you stay busy? Because this; proceed to look at the image below.

jjb,kAnd then what happens when you fall in love with him? You know what happens. Do we want that? No, not really. Not now. Let’s wait til we are married or at least until we are sure about this guy like, really really sure about him.

So the plan here is this; have the busiest most packed schedule that a girl could ever have; back to back meetings, work out sessions, reading your books to get that certificate, reading books that have been on your ever-growing bucket list for 2 years straight, hiking, trekking, giving public speeches on how to end world hunger, join an indigenous tribe just so you can learn their culture and customs (or maybe don’t because Idris might follow you there), take up a new hobby; knitting, muffin baking, anything! Take on a second job, start that business (those first few months usually give you absolutely no breathing room which is good…very good). Fill your schedule with just about anything and make sure that if you are weak to the advances of your crush (i.e. he walks into a room and you’re past the point of taking his last name and thinking about first baby’s room decor) make sure that your activities do not involve his handsome self. And if you have no choice but to be in the same vicinity with this person, spend as little time with him; hum “Old McDonald had a farm..e..i..e..i..o..” or do something else equally unsexy. It’s just the right thing to do. Problem solved.

(6) Pray!

No, this is not a joke. I’m being serious. Pray.

tydyfThe best way to counter any “putting out action” is to pray. Yup, I said. It might sound silly to some people but when your heart and soul is fixed and centred on something greater than yourself, your mind and body follow. Little miss I’m-feisty-and it’s-time-for-me-to-get-mine inner goddess will be completely hushed because if she can’t listen to you, she’ll listen to God. Pray and ask God to help you relax your mind and your spirit and tell it to chill. Jazz, (in the course of writing this piece, I’ve decided to give inner goddess a name that will suffice for now, she shall be renamed accordingly) with all her splendour, will see the truth; there are more important things to put your energy towards for the time being.  Pray and ask God to take over the situation so that your fulfillment comes from a union with Him and not a meaningless union with another person that would turn your sweet self into a booty call. Pray.

PROBLEM VANQUISHED, SOLVED, ANNIHILATED.

If you can think of any other creative ways to calm your spirits, please share. We’d all love to hear them.

Footnotes:

This post was originally posted here on ElleAfrique a Blogzine that I contribute to. Check it out when you have the time…how about now, yes right now, now being the time when you check it out. There’s some great stuff over there. No excuses.

oih;ohohJust brew a fresh cup of tea and check ElleAfrique out. It won’t take too much of your time.

Cheers!!!

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Breaking up with Sandy

Sandy, my friend, my love, my darling,

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web images

This is going to be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do. Thinking of you, my mind skips straight to cuddles, a warm blanket and you watching me sleep before you snooze off as well.

You have been there for me through the worst of it all and through the best too. You are one of the most consistent, most reliable friends a girl could ever ask. You’re always there at exactly 10.00 p.m. and sometimes even earlier. On those rare nights, when I happen to get t bed much later than usual, you are there waiting to blow your pixie dust into my eyes and helping me collapse on my bed like a happy comfortable “oh-my-goodness-I’m-finally-here” bag of cement, if there ever was one.

I love that about you; how present you are when I really need you. That statement may come off as selfish and self serving but yes, I love that you are there when I need you.

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