Silence

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PHOTO CREDIT: Tatiana Karanja

If this demon will not leave me as quietly as it came, then I will drown it under the calmness of these waters. I have filled the tub. I will wait and watch as it bubbles out through my pores and washes out into the water. Then I’ll sink it down the drain.

But I’m afraid. What if it doesn’t work? What if it crawls further into my soul deepening that pit of emptiness it has created?

Perhaps then I’ll have to cut and gauge it out right through my veins as well. It just might leave a scar but I don’t care anymore at this point. I just want it gone. I know it won’t be easy to rid myself of it. It will leech itself onto something so it can stay; the walls of my heart to make it ache, the tips of my nerves, making me go numb and heavy so it can control my body. It’s done this before. But I’ll fight this time. And as it slips out with pools of my red life, I know it will whisper and say that it can still hurt me one last time because it can take all that I have left. But I’m ready to fight this time.

Perhaps, I’ll smile knowing that I have won this. Can I win this?! My hope is all I have left. I can’t have be shuttered. There’s something in me telling me not to do it. It’s telling me that I will slip down the drain along with it and find myself trapped with no way back home.

But I can’t think about that right now as I sit in his tub filled with water that’s much warmer than my own insides, much warmer than he ever was. This is when I risk it all. We’re here at the very start. I can feel it growing inside my heart and creeping like a parasite within my veins. It’s laughing at me.

“I must rid myself of it,” I tell myself, “We’ll start with the first slit”

I’m holding the blade to my left arm shaking like mad because the cold is spreading inside me like a wild fire right to the surface of my skin. As I bring the blade’s edge to my wrist, everything goes silent. Everything is still. I can’t hear the twinkling sound of the water as it moves. I can’t hear my heart. I can’t hear the demon laughing at me inside my head. What I hear, all I can hear is a soft slight voice that I know is not my own and it says to me, “I can heal you.”

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PHOTO CREDIT: Viktor Jakovlev

Footnotes:

This is an excerpt from something much larger that I am working on. Everybody loves samples. I have never met a single person that doesn’t like samples especially when it’s food. Let’s imagine for a second that this was food; a nice hooott, meeeeaaaaty, cheeeeeesy slice of pizza or for the vegans out there, a niiiiiiice savoury spiiiiiicyyyyy salad plate with the most delectable selection of veggies; fresh lettuce and tomatoes and everything else you can dream of except meat. If you don’t fall onto any of these categories, I’m not sure what examples to give you. I hope you enjoyed this sample and that you will enjoy the rest of the story that goes along with it when it finally comes together and is published.

For a chance to stare at more amazing photography that makes your heart want to sing and cry and dance all at the same time and can easily describe your emotions much better than words ever could, check out http://www.tatianakaranja.com and http://www.unsplash.com 

Thank me later.

Cheers.

 

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