The Pursuit of Lady Laura 1

Disclaimer:

The story below is a parody at most, and is loosely based on facts surrounding the past and ongoing chats that occur in a whatsapp group that I am a member. Before you go all crazy, they asked me to do this. And now I’m waiting for my money.

I must add that the members of that group are a bunch of crazy people. We all went to high school together which is probably where we caught the condition of “being absolutely ridiculous” from. Some of the aspects in this post are inside jokes that only people in the group would get which is rather unfair for the rest of the world but I hope that regardless, you will all enjoy the story. I also hope it doesn’t piss anyone off. Again, loosely based on facts…almost not even based on facts.
This started off as a joke but then I thought about it and I was like, “Challenge accepted”

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A bit of backstory so y’all know where we’re coming from. We’re living in a fantasy world where if you feel your heart has been bruised, abused and torn apart, you can have it removed so you won’t catch feelings ever again and crystalised, the colour and gems your heart takes is sometimes a show of what kind of person you are. Warriors in this time also did this so that they were near invincible on the battle ground. But one must be able to guard their heart because it still remains one of your most vital organs, duh…otherwise if found, you could die and the physical claimer of your heart would be richer, because gems yo’.

Sir john was one of these people who crystalised his heart because of a chica named Laura who never paid him any attention and never even noticed him because she was in love with Sir Hubert. But he turned out to be a brute and she run away from him and because they weren’t married it wasn’t a big deal. We start our story now at a point where Sir John is at a point in his life where he feels like a “bad-ii guy” where those things of being whipped are not for him until…

Once upon a time in a far away land somewhere in Kampala, in the times when men and women lived in castles, in a time when women wore long heavy gowns and everyone used crazy English like “thou” “thee” were the IT words to use but were slowly dying out, when IG and twitter and facebook and the internet didn’t exist, in the Game of Thrones/Lord of the rings-y type of time, lived a guy names Sir John F.S.

INSIDE A DARK DUNGEON
Sir John sits in a dark quiet room. His face is covered in overgrown facial hair and the look on his face that he is like death itself. But his eyes stay fixed on the one thing in the room that brings some light to the room. He holds the box tighter in his hands and begins to sob. We get to see what is in his hands. It’s a emerald crystal heart that shimmers and shines producing its own light and the louder he sobs, the faster it beats. The door behind him creaks open and we hear footsteps slowly approach him but we cannot see the person who approaches. When the person gets close enough to Sir John, he screams out loud and we see the emerald crystal heart stop beating.

TWO WEEKS EARLIER

ON THE CHURCH GROUNDS- CHRIST THE KING CHURCH
Sir John and Lady Brenda walk towards the church’s entrance as they talk and laugh.

SIR JOHN

Marriage is not a subject that I feel the need to converse about.

LADY BRENDA

(laughs)

Oh, brother. One day thou wilt find a woman that wilt sweep thee off thy feet and then you will know

SIR JOHN

(amused)

Enough with the thou’s and thee’s, mother and father are not present to chastise you on the way you speak.

LADY BRENDA

You are evading the subject my dear.

SIR JOHN

(smirks)

That I was. But this woman you speak of, she would have to be something quite special, wouldn’t she?

LADY BRENDA

And that she will. The church bells ring and the two are momentarily startled.

LADY BRENDA

How long until the end of lent? SIR JOHN (laughs) Patience my dear sister, the time is nigh when you will have your fill of muchomo.

LADY BRENDA

I can’t wait. I can already smell the goat’s meat being roasted over an open fire. Sir John laughs out loud at this.

LADY BRENDA

We will have to pass by Kembabazi’s. If I can’t have meat at least let me have some sweet fried gonja to take my mind off meat

SIR JOHN

(shaking his head)

Let’s go and pray for your sins

LADY BRENDA

Indeed let’s.

The two rush hand in hand into the church.

INSIDE CHRIST THE KING CHURCH

As the congregation finally settles down for mass to begin, Sir John seems to notice someone at the corner of his eye but because everyone is caught up in prayer he tries to refocus his mind. Lady Brenda on the hand is happily cheekily staring at the priest instead. She keeps her hands together when she starts to whisper to Sir John not tearing her stare away from the priest.

LADY BRENDA

(whispering)

You know if he wasn’t a priest he’d have a chance.

SIR JOHN

What?

LADY BRENDA

The priest

SIR JOHN

My dear sister, we’re in church. You cannot think about Father Kongzi like that.

LADY BRENDA

Is it wrong for me to think about a man I had a connection with until he decided to become a priest.

SIR JOHN

Your cravings for meat are making you a little crazy.

The two finally hush and keep quiet when the priest rises to make an announcement.

FATHER KONGZI

Today we have the pleasure of being the presence of a princess from Toro. She says she wishes to sing for us and perhaps from this we will wield the energy we need to go through this lent period.

As the priest speaks Lady Laura starts to walk up the aisle towards him to the front of the church.

LADY BRENDA

(surprised)

Oh, look, it’s my good old friend Lady Laura. I had no clue she was in town.

Sir John catches a glimpse of her and BOOM!! he’s gone zoned off to lala land

LADY BRENDA

This is when you realise that ravens are the absolute worst form of communication.

But Sir John could barely hear what Lady Brenda had to say, everything was slowly being muted into background noise and in his mind everything is moving in slow motion. His mouth seems to drop as he stares at her as she moves to the front. Lady Laura begins to sing “Ave maria” and she seemed to take everyone’s breath away especially Sir John who looks like he might start drooling from all his love struck staring.

OUTSIDE CHRIST THE KING CHURCH

The congregation is streaming out the church while a number of others stop and chat with friends outside. Lady Laura, Lady Brenda and Sir John are all standing together chatting but Sir John isn’t concentrating on much else except on Lady Laura. He seems to tongue tied.

LADY BRENDA

I’m so glad you made it to Kampala. It’s so lovely to have you here.

LADY LAURA

I can’t believe that stupid raven hasn’t even reached yet to let you know that I’d be here.

LADY BRENDA

For the life of me, I am exhausted by this system of communication (turns to Sir John) See, brother, we need some kind of VPN. I hate to say I told you so.

Lady Brenda stares at her brother waiting for him to speak but he just keeps staring at Lady Laura with a sheepish look on his face.

LADY BRENDA

(concerned)

Brother, are you ill?

SIR JOHN

(zombie like) (to Laura)

If love were a drop of water, mine would be Lake Victoria

LADY LAURA

(amused)

Pardon me?!

Lady Brenda seems to notice what is going on and on and is completely amused by this. She stifles a laugh and quickly interjects.

LADY BRENDA

Lady Laura, my brother and I must beg our leave. He hasn’t been feeling very well later. I think he caught the Shakespearean disease.

LADY LAURA

(concerned)

Oh dear, sounds serious.

LADY BRENDA

He’ll be just fine. I will have to find time to come see that we may be able to sit and talk even more

LADY LAURA

I’d like that.

As they say their goodbyes, Sir Edwin walks up to Lady Laura.

LADY LAURA

Oh, Lady Brenda. Allow me introduce my brother Sir Edwin II

LADY BRENDA

(bows)

Sir Edwin. I did not know that you came from the same house. It is lovely to meet you.

SIR EDWIN

Of course it is.

(turning to Lady Laura)

We must head home. I need to tend to my horses and unicorns.

LADY LAURA

Of course, brother.

LADY BRENDA

Wow, you have unicorns?!

SIR EDWIN

The rarest kind. I am a collector.

Sir John is still starstruck by Lady Laura’s presence.

SIR EDWIN

(to Lady Brenda)

Does he speak?

Lady Brenda looks at her brother and nudges him.

LADY BRENDA

He does.

SIR JOHN

(out of the blue)

Your father must have been a boxer, coz you knock me out.

Sir Edwin is stunned and slightly amused by this.

LADY BRENDA

Forgive my brother…it’s the disease.
Sir Edwin doesn’t seem convinced. He and Lady Laura turn and walk away while Sir John stares at her unmoved by the how awkward he seems to look.

LADY BRENDA

And so that is the woman you fancy?

SIR JOHN

That is no woman, she is a gem.

LADY BRENDA

I hope it’s worth it. You just embarrassed yourself in front the great Sir Edwin the rib cracker.

Meanwhile Sir Edwin and Lady Laura head towards their carriage as they talk.

SIR EDWIN

That guy is weird and his pick up lines are just so strange. I bet Obama can pick up more ladies than he can.

LADY LAURA

Obama?!

SIR EDWIN

My prized horse.

LADY LAURA

Still can’t believe you named your horse Obama.

SIR EDWIN

It’s a winner’s name.

LADY LAURA

But he seems harmless. He looks kinda familiar though.

SIR EDWIN

(laughs)

Where from?

LADY LAURA

I can’t quite remember.

Meanwhile, Sir John has finally shaken himself out of his own trance and looks at Lady Brenda rather embarrassed.

LADY BRENDA

We need to talk about this more.

SIR JOHN

(confidently)

There’s no need for that. Remember the woman I once told you about?

LADY BRENDA

The one that disappeared?!

SIR JOHN

Lady Laura is that woman. I know in my heart that she is the one I want.

LADY BRENDA

Are the prospects for marriage on the table with this one?

SIR JOHN

They certainly are.

INSIDE KEMBABAZI’S OR GAME OF THRONES “CAPITAL” TYPE OF CAFE

Sir John helps Lady Brenda out of their horse drawn carriage and signals for the coachman to park the carriage. The two walk towards the Kembabazi’s lounge. Sir John is clearly uncomfortable, Lady Brenda is clearly laughing at him.

LADY BRENDA

What I would do for some roasted chicken and gonja…probably not as extreme as what you would do for Lady Laura’s attention

SIR JOHN

Come on, sister.

LADY BRENDA

(imitating him)

If love were a drop of water, mine would be Lake Victoria

(bursts out laughing)

I would never have taken you for the sappy romantic

SIR JOHN

I said no such thing

LADY BRENDA

And what was she to do with this lake of love? Swim in it?!

SIR JOHN

Are you finished with the mocking?

LADY BRENDA

You know, if you need my help talking to her, I could help. We’re friends. I could get you a date with her.

SIR JOHN

You would do that for me?

LADY BRENDA

Just so I won’t have to hear those sappy lines ever again.

As Lady Brenda continues to make a mockery of Sir John and his pick up lines, Sir Hubert walks up to them.

SIR HUBERT

(calm, composed)

Lady Brenda, I thought that was you I saw.

(turning to Sir John)

Sir John.

(barks)

Bla! bla! blaah!

LADY BRENDA

Somehow I thought that that “bla bla” form of greeting had died in school. (laughs) How long has it been, Sir Hubert?

SIR HUBERT

(smiling coyly)

Far too long, Lady Brenda.

Sir John stares at Sir Hubert like they might pounce on him and tear out his throat. He has a short vision of what it would look like. Lady Brenda shakes him out of it.

LADY BRENDA

Won’t you say hello to Sir Hubert?

SIR JOHN

(bitterly)

Sir Hubert

Lady Brenda looks at Sir John wondering what is going on. Sir Hubert doesn’t seem bothered by Sir John’s attitude towards him. He smirks.

SIR HUBERT Sadly, I have no company. Do you mind if I joined you?

SIR JOHN

Yes.

LADY BRENDA

Not at all.

SIR HUBERT

The lady has spoken.

The three take their seats at a table in the dining room. Waiters appear out of nowhere like they always do in movies and quietly take their orders and rush back with food in seconds, like they always do in movies.

LADY BRENDA

So Sir Hubert, what brings you this way so far away from Magufuliland?

SIR HUBERT

I’m in pursuit of a fine lady who I heard had moved back here.

LADY BRENDA

(prompting)

Whoever might she be?

SIR HUBERT

I want to keep this a secret until our engagement.

SIR JOHN

Engagement?!

SIR HUBERT

(looking at Sir John intently)

I lost her once. I do not plan to again.

SIR JOHN

One would think that a real gentleman would have learnt his lesson and not tried to person a lady any further after one shot.

SIR HUBERT

That is where we differ in opinion my good sir. I will have her at all costs even if I must use the law.

Sir John looks intently at Sir Hubert as if trying to understand what he means by what he has just said. The two continue to stare at each other in a nearly deathly manner and the tension in the air is extremely palpable.

LADY BRENDA

What’s going between you two?

SIR HUBERT

(changes mood, turns to Lady Brenda)

Forgive my manners. I must leave you now. I have pressing matters to attend to.

Sir Hubert rises and leaves and just like in the movies, he’s barely touched his food (wasteful!) Sir John finally seems to relax a little.

LADY BRENDA

What was all that about?

SIR JOHN

Nothing. Lady Brenda doesn’t seem convinced but she decides to turn back to her food instead pry any longer.

DAY CHANGE

INSIDE LADY LAURA’S ABOARD
Lady Brenda and Lady Laura are sitting in a lovely orchard drinking tea and chatting and laughing.

LADY BRENDA

You know, I didn’t only come to talk about Baby Tendo and his beautiful soul.

LADY LAURA

(curious)

Oh.

LADY BRENDA

I’m also here on behalf of my brother.

LADY LAURA

(amused)

I see.

LADY BRENDA

It would profit you much to consider Sir John’s proposal. He is wealthy man with horses and..

LADY LAURA

(interrupting)

I have horses

LADY BRENDA

(insistent)

And land..

LADY LAURA

I’m purchasing of my own.

LADY BRENDA

As far as the eye can see.

LADY LAURA

Mine will go further.

LADY BRENDA

He has castles and titles and…

LADY LAURA

Lady Brenda, your resolve is futile. I am sworn off men. You know how they are.

LADY BRENDA

(insistent)

And above all else, he has an emerald heart
Lady Laura seems taken aback by this new information.

LADY LAURA

The truest of them all..

LADY BRENDA

The truest of them all and it beats for you, Lady Laura. He showed it to me once and there was a song that came from its depths. It’s only when you performed at the church that I put two and two together and realised that it is you that it yearns for.

Lady Laura seems tongue tied.

LADY BRENDA

You want to know the most amazing thing Sir John does

LADY LAURA

I’m actually intrigued.

LADY BRENDA

He’s a water bender. The king himself bestowed the rule over the water on Sir John.

LADY LAURA

But the water belongs to the people.

LADY BRENDA

This water is different.

LADY LAURA

How so?

LADY BRENDA

I’ve only heard stories but I heard  that his water bending skills makes the water gush out of the ground itself like a fountains and only Sir John has mastered the art.

LADY LAURA

A bender. They are the most distinguished of all men in the land.

Lady Brenda smiles encouragingly.

LADY BRENDA

I know he isn’t good with words but he is one who has transcended.

LADY LAURA

(amused)

This is absurd. I am sworn off men.

LADY BRENDA

For the time being I hope.

The two smile knowingly.

INSIDE THE LIBRARY – SIR JOHN’S CASTLE

Lady Brenda walks into the room and finds Sir John digging through a number of books. He has them strewn all the over the desk and the floors. He keeps looking from one to another desperately.

LADY BRENDA

I’ve been looking all over the castle for you.

(noticing the mess)

What are you doing?

SIR JOHN

He said…even if it must use the law…

LADY BRENDA

Who?

SIR JOHN

That son of a gun, Hubert.

LADY BRENDA

You’re not making any sense.

Sir John stops and looks at Lady Brenda

SIR JOHN I almost had her once.

LADY BRENDA

Lady Laura?! But she didn’t seem to know who you were that day outside the church.

SIR JOHN

Lady Laura and I were together. But our affair was secret because of her betrothal to Sir Hubert. We were going to get married. I was happy and so she was she. Then he learnt about us and put a spell on her that she may forget any memory about me. I tried but no one could break the spell.

LADY BRENDA

Oh, brother. I’m so sorry to hear all this. My heart aches for you.

SIR JOHN

And now I think I know what he is going to try and mark her as his own for good.

LADY BRENDA

But how? Sir John goes back to the numerous books he has open.

SIR JOHN

(pointing at something in a book)

Here. a policy was made decades ago when men wanted to marry and the women simply friend zoned them

(reading from the book)

The ringing of it

LADY BRENDA

(amused)

It sounds stupid

SIR JOHN

But it is a law that was made to promote more marriages and continued growth of our species.

LADY BRENDA

But why would anyone put something so stupid and dehumanising into law.

SIR JOHN

(ignoring her question, showing her the book)

Look here. The law reads…If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it…if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it…don’t be mad once you see that he want it..if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it..

LADY BRENDA

Is this law still being practised?

SIR JOHN

It isn’t. People haven’t needed it in the last 30 years. I guess it just faded into the background.

LADY BRENDA

What will you do now, brother? You are no match for Sir Hubert with his height and his lips

(pulling herself out of the trance)

And now you’re telling me he has the power to cast spells.

SIR JOHN

I don’t know sister. I do not know. But even if it breaks me, I will have Lady Laura to myself and Sir Hubert won’t stop me. Not this time.

Sir John dramatically looks into the camera and we can all see how darn serious he is about this.

Footnotes:

You might be wondering why I used this format to tell this story. Long answer; “I felt this format required less description of scenery and mood and detail compared to what it would look like if I wrote out an entire story and I because I needed to paint a picture without being like J.R.R Tolkien in his books, this is a blog not a book” Short answer, “So little time…” This idea came to me at 3.00 a.m Monday morning, no time, people, no time. Plus it was a challenge.

Watch out for the next episode of “The pursuit of Lady Laura”.

Will Sir John ever win the girl? Will she ever remember him? What has Sir Hubert got up his sleeves? Does Sir John die a lonely man?

………………………………………………………………………

In other completely unrelated news, my birthday is coming up soon 8th March*dancing emoji* I am freaking out. I am not freaking out. I AM FREAKING OUT. Regardless, I love my birthday, it’s better than Christmas, the only part that sucks is that my sister is at school and isn’t around to celebrate with. Things that I would love for my birthday
• A new laptop,
• A new phone
• It would be nice to get a camera
• Flowers, that’s like the simplest request in this world, oh and a vase, the cat, the one who sleeps on his back, broke my last vase, which was my mother’s but she doesn’t use it so it became mine…the cat broke it.
• Handbags
• Shoes. I wear a size 5. But it depends on what kinda shoe this is. If it’s from some part of Asia, then it’s probably 6 instead. Or 5 and ½
• Jewellery. I love necklaces and rings and bracelets. In a previous life, I was probably a cool cute gypsy
• Money is great too. Mobile money just ask for my number, cash, virtual money on my PayPal (PayPal email is elmaasio@yahoo.com) Thank you *big grin*

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6 thoughts on “The Pursuit of Lady Laura 1

  1. skaheru says:

    Happy Birthday – and I KNOW that the MM network will be slow that day; apologies! Your imagination, meanwhile, should earn you an award from this blog alone!

    • Asio says:

      Thank you!! You’re too kind. ^_^

      • Naye kale “gloup” yamwe, muli balalu. Nickelodeon would be mortified to find out what “Water Bending” has become in your tale of Future Past (no X-Men!).

        Atte, I was dying to see a plot twist (I’m greedy like that) like a boda stage with chaps touting as thus:
        “Nyabo, Lady Blenda, ogenda? It’s two quid – buddoh, to Kembabazi..”

        But wama, overall. You’re mad! Well done!! This is my kind of world.

      • Asio says:

        😄😄😄 you’re indeed too greedy.
        Lol @ the boda stage, that would have been awesome. Why didn’t I think of that *scratches head*
        Thank you for that. There’s always part 2

  2. […] The following is episode 2 in our cycle of about nonsense. If you did not get a chance to read part 1, follow the link here The Pursuit of Lady Laura 1 […]

  3. […] third and final installment of THE PURSUIT OF LADY LAURA. If you are reading this and did not read The Pursuit of Lady Laura 1 and The Pursuit of Lady Laura 2, please […]

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