The Pursuit of Lady Laura 3

This is the third and final installment of THE PURSUIT OF LADY LAURA. If you are reading this and did not read The Pursuit of Lady Laura 1 and The Pursuit of Lady Laura 2, please do.

INT. COURT HOUSE

Elma the Oracle is still staring into space. Everyone in the room is still quiet waiting to hear what Elma the Oracle has to say. At some point it starts to get a little awkward. Someone in the back coughs. Everyone starts to look at each other. Elma the Oracle suddenly blinks her eyes trying to refocus her sight.

JUDGE JILL (to Elma the Oracle)

What did you see?

ELMA THE ORACLE(dazed)

Tika masala with garlic bread and butter naan. I saw chicken biryani too, steamed veggies and…Maybe I should have Thai.

JUDGE JILL (interrupting, confused)

Huh?

Everyone in the room is staring at each other completely confused.

ELMA THE ORACLE

Honestly I’m just really hungry…I was thinking about the steak I might have later.

TURNTABLE MASTER; DEEJAY BRYAN

So what did you see?

ELMA THE ORACLE

Oh, I think I just saw food. I am famished. Duchess Vanessa, we’re going to have Thai food next week.

DUCHESS VANESSA OF TESO

Okay.

DUCHESS ALLEN OF TORO

What does that have to do with anything?

ELMA THE ORACLE

This is pointless. We have passed our say on the law. Our part in this fight is done.

The council all goes quiet. Suddenly the doors, swing open and Duke the Duke runs into the court house panting.

LADY BRENDA

This is when you come?!

DUKE THE DUKE

I heard that Amanda the Fabulous was here. That’s the only reason why I’m here.

Duke the Duke catches a glimpse Amanda the Fabulous. She smiles at him and he’s blown away. He literally has love hearts coming out of his eyes and mouth and he drools over her. He faints on the spot and a bunch of potters quickly put him on a stretcher and carry him off.

DUKE THE DUKE (CONT’D) (shouting out)

Call me

The potters disappear right out of the court house with Duke the Duke’s limp body. The council turns back like nothing’s just happened.

SIR EDWIN

Are we going to finish this fight or…

ELMA THE ORACLE

We don’t have to. It’s not our fight anymore.

The Council all starts to murmur among themselves. They seem to be getting her point about all this.

SIR JOHN

But I need your help to defeat Sir Hubert.

ELMA THE ORACLE

It doesn’t matter. We did our part. You might not win anyway.

SIR JOHN (scared)

Might not…what do you mean? you can see the future, tell me.

ELMA THE ORACLE

That’s for me to know and you to find out. But don’t give up…just try.

SIR JOHN

But you’re the writer of this story.

ELMA THE ORACLE

Yeah kinda.

SIR JOHN You know everything.

ELMA THE ORACLE (smiles)

Pretty awesome, right?

SIR JOHN

Then why won’t you tell me what happens after here.

ELMA THE ORACLE

It goes against the balance of the universe. (dramatic) What I have is a gift and a curse.

DB WOODSIDE THE BAILIFF

And the rest of us?

ELMA THE ORACLE

Do whatever you please. I’ve got a date with a five course meal. Yes, the food is my date. And I’ve been looking forward to sipping on a glass of Chardonnay

JUDGE JILL

That sounds delicious.

ELMA THE ORACLE

It is. You can join me if you want. I have plenty.

DUCHESS VANESSA FROM TESO

I haven’t had dinner yet. Do you have room for another guest?

ELMA THE ORACLE

Yeah sure.

SIR EDWIN NKALUBO THE FIRST OF HIS NAME

What are you having?

Elma the Oracle goes into talking about the meal she’s planning on going away from the fight for.

*insert sound track that’s very French/Italian or a mashup of both*

We don’t get to hear what she says over the sound track but she uses her hands, like a stereotypical French or Italian chef, and closing her eyes, to emphasise how wholesome and sumptuous the meal is. Everyone is staring on clearly dazed, drooling, mouth watering.

*cut the music*

ELMA THE ORACLE

And we will wrap everything up with some chocolate souffle topped with vanilla ice cream and fresh strawberries. But I told the chef to surprise me so it might be something else

TURNTABLE MASTER; DEEJAY BRYAN

Shhyyyiiittt!!

DUCHESS ALLENICIA FROM TORO

I can already taste it.

ELMA THE ORACLE

You’re invited if you want to come.

Everyone jumps mumbling saying something about how they love to have some great food and since it’s “Wine day” really what else should they be doing with their time but eating and having wine. As they all head out, Elma the oracle turns back to tell Sir John and Lady Brenda.

ELMA THE ORACLE (CONT’D)

Dude, sorry. But aahh…Lady Brenda, arrows…and if you want to bow out of this, you’re more than welcome to come join us for dinner.

Once the council have disappeared, Sir Hubert is standing there smirking feeling like he’s already won.

SIR HUBERT

Now you know for a fact that you can’t win this, don’t you?

SIR JOHN

We’ll see about that.

Sir John larches ahead to attack Sir Hubert. Sir Hubert sticks out his arms and a strong wind goes out and hit Sir John and suddenly Sir John has been flung and goes right through one of the walls in the back and he disappears right through the hole in the wall that he makes; Dragon Ball Z style.

SIR HUBERT

Go get him, tiger.

Fabulous Amanda marches out like a villain right out of a super hero movie.

LADY BRENDA

Sir Hubert, you don’t have to do this.

SIR HUBERT

I suggest you stay out of the way so you don’t get hurt, beautiful.

EXT. COURT HOUSE

Sir John is on the ground trying to pick himself up when we see Amanda the Fabulous coming out with her nunchucks ready to beat the living daylights out of him.

AMANDA THE FABULOUS

I don’t have all day.

Sir John gets up and we have that whole Wild Wild West stare off between the two. Tumbleweed and kaveeras are floating about in the air and the few people that are around are scattering trying to find place to hide.

AMANDA THE FABULOUS (CONT’D)

Are you ready to dance, big boy?

*Insert suitable sound track; something by like Imagine Dragons*

She suddenly starts to run towards X in attack mode like a lioness in the Serengeti. Then a flash of light.

*Freeze frame*

The gist of this fight is that Fabulous Amanda beat the shiznits out of Sir John and then when he’s trying to get up and fight back, Sir Hubert hits him hard, real hard. Think Samurai X

DAY CHANGE:

Lady Brenda is walking around the castle wondering where Sir John is. She stops of one of the servant girls.

MAID

Last I saw him he was heading towards the dungeons. Said he didn’t want to be disturbed.

Sir John in the dungeon Lady Brenda walks into the dungeon and finds Sir John crouching over the emerald heart he’s holding in his hands.

LADY BRENDA

What are you doing?

SIR JOHN

Get out!

LADY BRENDA

Are you going to just sit here while the woman you love is taken away from you?

SIR JOHN

There’s nothing more I can do.

LADY BRENDA

So you’re letting him win?!

SIR JOHN

I’m not letting him..

LADY BRENDA

Yes, you are. And every second you spend here crying like a child, you’re letting him win.

Sir John stands up.

SIR JOHN

I won’t let that happen.

TUM TA RA RA RUM *DRUMS*

Montage of Sir John putting on his armour, mounting his horse

SIR JOHN (CONT’D)

I’m coming my Lady Laura.

Transition Sir John riding gallantly to challenge Sir Hubert.

EXT. OPEN FIELDS SOME PLACE

He gets to a field and sees Sir Hubert in the distance standing waiting for him. Sir John gets off the horse and faces Sir Hubert.

SIR HUBERT

Did you think you could sneak up and take her?

SIR JOHN

She is not your property. I will fight to the death to have her back.

SIR HUBERT

You forget so quickly.

The big fight ensues. Sir John using his water bending powers and a large sword that he carried. Sir Hubert using two large axe like a Viking warrior. At some points, Sir John actually throws some good punches but overall Sir Hubert looks to be winning this thing. And as he notices that he is losing, Sir John gets flashes of Lady Laura. While he’s still caught up thinking he can see Lady Laura right in front of him, Sir Hubert gives him a horrible blow. As Sir John lays there coughing, trying to catch his breath, Sir Hubert comes over and stands over his helpless body.

SIR HUBERT (CONT’D)

Stand up and fight, Sir John.

SIR JOHN

I’m done fighting, Sir Hubert.

SIR HUBERT

Wuss

SIR JOHN

This doesn’t seem like the kind of fight that would ever finally end and I am exhausted.

SIR HUBERT

Fine, then, stand still while I annihilate you.

SIR JOHN

Even if you do, you will never have her love.

Sir Hubert lowers his arms.

SIR JOHN (CONT’D)

She will always look at you lifelessly and one day when your spell is broken, she will not look at with love. She will hate you for everything you did.

SIR HUBERT (clearly in denial)

No she won’t.

SIR JOHN

And once she hates what do you think will come next. She will find the strength, break your spell and leave you.

SIR HUBERT

Lies. These are all lies. She would never leave me. I’m Sir Hubert the conqueror.

But even as Sir Hubert says these things, he is clearly convinced that he might have already lost Lady Laura before he’s even married to her. Sir Hubert is completely lost in thought and doesn’t notice Lady Brenda creeping up and shooting an arrow through his heart. When it hits him, he staggers but doesn’t go down. He pulls out his sword and is lurching at Lady Brenda and Sir John, when he’s hit with another arrow and then another. When he’s inches away from Lady Brenda he falls to his knees with a thud – BOOM like a giant that’s finally hit the ground.

LADY BRENDA (whispers to Sir Hubert)

Go to sleep, Sir Hubert. We will meet in another life.

Sir Hubert mumbles something to her but none of it even makes sense and lands face down right at Lady Brenda’s feet. Sir John walks up to her and looks down at Sir Hubert like a victor, with a board smile creeping onto his face.

SIR JOHN

It worked. Our plan actually worked.

LADY BRENDA

I told you he had a soft spot.

SIR JOHN

But I had tried everything.

LADY BRENDA

You hadn’t tried my arrows. Gifted to me by my mother. They can knock any man dead. I was saving them for a special day for a special someone.

SIR JOHN

Thank you, sister

LADY BRENDA

Go get her.

Sir John starts to run through the fields, kinda like in those sappy love stories where you see the guy running and running and running to his woman. Well here, we have Sir John running, through Kampala Road dodging boda bodas and flying taxis until he gets to some place in Naguru.

INT. HIGH TOWER

Sir John panting and sweating he gets to the top of the tower where Lady Laura had been locked away. When he opens the barred door to Lady Laura’s prison, he finds her staring out over the hill. The sound of doors opening grabs her attention. As Sir John walks in, we notice he isn’t sweating anymore, he’s only panting because that’s how things usually go in movies anyway, right?

SIR JOHN

Lady Laura, my fairy, my sweet.

LADY LAURA

I remember. I remember everything

The two stare at each other lovingly and rush into each other’s arms, but no kissing because this is a Bollywood style story and if you have ever watched a Bollywood tv show, you’ll notice they never kiss. They stare into each other eyes and hug and HUUUUGGGG and rub their cheeks together with lovely music playing in the back.

*insert sound track a special jam mix of Sheeba’s “Nkwatako” and Winnie Nwagi’s “Musawo”*

Random medical practitioner walks in, specs with large frames and lab coat to show that this is a qualified and trusted medical person.

*cut track*

DOCTOR

Hello, I’m a doctor. As we can all tell, Sir John and Lady Laura are going to have a happy ending.

SIR JOHN (confused)

Aaahh, who is this person?

DOCTOR (interrupting, looking straight into camera)

But before Sir John and Lady Laura can even think about having a relationship they have to get tested for all STD’s because this is the real world and AIDS is real and so is HERPES and gonorrhea and syphilis.

Doctor looks right into the camera fuming with anger.

DOCTOR (CONT’D)

AND PEOPLE NEED TO STOP ACTING LIKE ANIMALS. GET TESTED, YOU MOFOS!!! GET TESTED!!!

INT. MEDICAL CENTRE – WAITING ROOM

Sir John and Lady Laura at a hospital seated in a waiting room. It is clearly an awkward moment for both of them and they are just staring around the room, playing with their fingers, whistling, texting, all that stuff that happens when you’re caught up in a clearly awkward moment. Doctor walks in a gives them their result slips.

*continue track*

Sir John and Lady Laura start dancing very pleased that they are both healthy.

Montage of the wedding celebrations.

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And as the fireworks go up and everyone in the land is having the time of their lives at the nuptials.

INT. CASTLE – NIGHT

We see Lady Brenda creep away from the gathering. We see her walk into the castle and meet up with one of the handmaidens.

LADY BRENDA

No one must know about this. Am I clear?

MAID

Yes my lady.

Lady Brenda walks into a dungeon and walks over to a casket. On getting closer we see that it’s Sir Hubert lying inside. She looks at Sir Hubert’s body lying there with affection.

LADY BRENDA

Sleep for now my darling, and in time, I will wake you so we can reign over this land.

Lady Brenda seals the casket and pushes it into a space in the wall of the dungeon

THE END

 

 

FOOTNOTES:

And this is where the story should end, no?! Hope you have all enjoyed the tales of life and love of Sir John and Lady Laura and the groovy council.

 

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2 thoughts on “The Pursuit of Lady Laura 3

  1. Steph says:

    Funniest part of the story is “Elma the Oracle’s part about the food😂😂 First time on here and enjoyed it!

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