Dear future husband

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Dear future husband,

Where are you? Nga, I have waited. I think I miss you already because riyalle, we haven’t met yet we ought to have met already. That might not make sense to you but it makes perfect sense to me. Me, I miss the person I know you will be when you come into my life. But where are you? What’s your name? I need to get accustomed to what my new name will sound like.

Want to know how much I miss you? I talk to you, in my head, when I’m alone. I laugh at the jokes you will tell me one day, stare at gifts that I know you will buy me, and add locations that I think we should visit to my bucketlist. Kwegamba, I know you will you will be loving, caring, generous and hella interesting before I even meet you.

I don’t know whether you’ll love movies as much as I do, but I’ve already marked out the spot I will take on the sofa I imagine you have. You’ll sit right next to me and we’ll share a nice, soft blanket to keep ourselves warm. Gwe, “Netflix and chill” goals. I even know the coffee mugs we’ll use for our lattes and teas. I’m just waiting for you to avail your fywwine self. I smile at the kind of life we’ll have together, filled with road trips, picnics, long walks with our Golden Labrador, trips to the beach…so where the fuck are you?

I have perfected my culinary skills. I can mingle kalo, make eshabwe,  kunyiga matooke, prepare luwombo, nvuluga, malakwang, lasagne, jollof, ratatouille, chapatti, pilau…I have covered most of my bases.

I’m starting to lose my mind. I think I already hear you say “I love you” when I’m all alone. It’s creepy and yet comforting all at the same time. Is it you sending me these messages or the devil trying to confuse me?

I have been praying and waiting for you since I was 14 years old when Sister Frances said we must pray for our future husbands. She said it’s very important. I obviously wondered why a nun would advice us on anything that she had no idea about, but she was a Sister, all knowing and wise?

Since I started actively dating, I’ve met a number of guys: dated some for a few months even longer, but nothing’s really stuck. None of them was…my forever. None of them were you. None of them was what I’ve heard people that are in love refer to as “everything I’ve ever wanted”. Kati oliwa?

My friends are starting to become a little overbearing. They’re saying things like:

…hmm, your standards are too high…

…I know where you’ll meet a man like that, in your dreams…

…you want too much…

…but John likes you. Give him a chance… (as if he’s Jon Snow…nada!)

They think I’m lonely. I have my cat Mrs. Holmes. They are trying to push me into seeing guys banange, are oba how? Nedda! Some say I’m daydreaming too much and trying to matchmake. One introduced me to this ka-guy, Bob. She said mbu he’s nice. But you know what girls mean when they say “he’s nice” minus other details. Hmm, it means he ain’t doing so well in the looks department. I didn’t want to be mean so I said, kale I’ll meet your friend. I met the guy once. I hated his shoes. I loathed his jokes. When she asked me what I thought about him, I wanted to tell her  that  guy needs to pick a struggle; it’s either the way he dresses or his sense of humour, unless of course his dress code was the joke, but I didn’t. I told her he’s not my type. Nga, doesn’t she lecture me for days about this “type” thing. She said I’m over-overing for my dream guy and how what I need is a nice guy who cares about and who I can grow to love in time blah blah blah…nassing! Me, I know I will find “the one”. She says that I’m just dreaming and that the kind of man I want  that doesn’t exist.

Shame them! Come into my life and show them.

Are you dating some other girl who you’re not meant to be with anyway? Is this why I haven’t seen you appear in my life yet? Should I be directing my prayer and fasting towards that break up? I bet she doesn’t treat you as well as I would. I mean…you’re meant for me. You’re wasting time dating someone else. Leave her. Fate will find a way to make us meet.

Sincerely, waiting patiently,

xoxo,

Future wifey❤❤

P.S: All this for #UgBlogWeek

Cheers!

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10 thoughts on “Dear future husband

  1. future husband says:

    “Patience serves as a protection against wrongs as clothes do against cold”

  2. Ugbloc says:

    Yamawe! Wait patiently indeed!

  3. Fulfill Condi Shon says:

    In Mr Bean’s nefarious voice.

    “Nice one.”

  4. Mrs Holmes, Love it!

    Bambi, he’ll find his way to you someday..in the mean time, two songs by Meghan Trainor, just to let you know you’re not alone:

  5. Simply hilarious 😛 keep writing more.

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